What was the point

in getting us all used to Bean being in a crib and doing a set routine so he would go down/stay down for the night? It has all gone to crap now that he is in a toddler bed.

I always planned to co-sleep. We didn’t buy a crib for Bean before he was born. He had other ideas, though. When he outgrew his little co-sleeper bassinett thingy, he started spending the beginning of each night in his pack and play, alone in his room. Gradually, he stayed put for the night. I didn’t really want it that way, but he slept best alone in his room starting at 10 months old. It freaked me out, to be honest; to me, it is more natural for a family to sleep together for at least part of the night. I spent many nights sleeping on a futon in there with him. When I finally felt reaaaaally certain that this was the way he preferred to sleep and that he would be just fine alone, we got him a convertible crib/toddler bed. It was kind of high up for my taste, but they all were, so we went with the lowest-to-the-floor model we could find. He seemed to love it. We enjoyed the next few months of sleeping in peace. It was a miracle considering how the first 10 months had gone. 

Recently, he started using his crib bumper as a step to try to flip over the rail. I would go in to check on him and find him standing on tiptoe with his head and arms completely hooked over the railing, as though he were just waiting to grow a leeetle bit more he he could flip himself out and wind up in the ER. I took the bumper out and hoped he’d stop. Instead, he started getting his arms and legs stuck in the slats. He would wake howling as he tried to wrench them out. Did I mention I never wanted him alone in a crib? I wanted him alone in a toddler bed even less. He’s only 19 months old. Still, I took the rail out and converted it to a daybed. I re-toddler-proofed his bedroom. We babygated the hallway at night so if he did get up, he could only go into our room and not roam the rest of the place. Fine.

The first days and nights were amazing. Same ole, same ole. Bean stayed in bed and slept and so did we. It took about 3 days for him to realize that he could get out of bed of his own volition. Then he did, lots. I am not a close-the-door and cry-it-out kind of person (other than for maybe 10 minutes, tops, to let him get the crabbies out every now and again). I am, however, a behavior modification type of person, so I strictly enforced our rule that pacis are only for sleeping times. When he popped out of bed, I took the paci. When he got back in, I gave it back. Worked like a charm for two days then stopped. And so…

what do I do now? He’s up, he’s down, he’s up he’s down, on and on and on. Last night we woke to him standing by our bed at 4AM. Even though the house is babyproofed and he is corraled in a limited part of it, it freaks me out to have a 19 month old wandering around in the near-dark.  We would be happy to have him sleep with us, we even lowered our bed for that purpose ages ago, but he doesn’t seem to be able to. Tosses and turns and fusses all night, unable to settle down (I now believe that much of our sleep issues in those first 10 months stemmed from my insistence that he be in the room with us). We pulled him in with us anyway and he rolled around for an hour or so. I finally gave up and carried him into his room, put him in his bed, and fell asleep on the futon in there, only to be woken minutes later with him crawling on me. That is how he slept for the next two hours: on me. Not next to, on. Cried every time I tried to put him back in his bed. We are somehow back to how things were at 3 months old. Damn crib. Damn toddler bed. Damn fatigue.

My independent sleeper, whom I reluctantly accepted as such, seems to be gone. In his place I now have a dependent sleeper, but one who does not want to be in bed with Huz and me, he wants only me, and only in his room. It would be flattering if it weren’t so tiring.

For nap today, he just stopped crying after what felt like forever because he was unable to sleep without me having a hand on his back. I stopped touching him after 20 minutes of a very uncomfortable position and my pins-and-needles feet drove me from the room. He woke. I left anyway to see what he would do, closing the door behind me, hoping he would just fuss a minute and crash back out. He cried, lots. Made me feel terrible. Sure, he eventually crawled back into bed and crashed out, but it made me feel like a jerk to do things this way.

Wait, he just woke up again, and is now crying because I’m not there. My poor Bean. Is this just standard separation anxiety brought on by a cognitive leap? Who knows. I’m going back in now. I’ll probably be back on the futon tonight.

Sleep, I hardly knew ye.

Update:

Huz is in with him now for bedtime. Bean just seems to want someone to sit in there until he falls asleep. Makes the nightwaking tough. He’s also asking for a ton of hugs which is not typical but very, very sweet. Maybe it’s just a combo of his bed looking a little different (which it took him days to notice, if that’s the case), separation anxiety and the neverending molar teething and this thing called sleep regression my dear Ask Moxie talks about. All of this right before our trip to Philly, yee-haw. Should make for an interesting trip :)