Here is an almost frighteningly bare look inside my brain

and it wasn’t even posted by me. How odd to read words that I have said only to myself and maybe to Huz written here so perfectly by someone else. How very comforting, too. She has given it clarity that I have been unable to achieve. Finding the post was like a Christmas present.

Here was me last Christmas, newly postpartum:

Here was me with the Beavs this Christmas

No, it was not due to heavy pharmaceuticals, just time. I actually did spend time with the Beavers last Christmas, too, but I was in a fog. This year was exponentially better. Don’t our cook-ays rock? We also made Christmas unicorns, rhinos and our newly traditional sparkly poos (leftover gingerbread that we are too tipsy on Glogg to cut out properly).

Happy Holidays, peeps! Peace on Earth, goodwill to Women (and the fellas we love, too)!

So I got rid of my biggest hit-producing post

where I go on way too long about how all the moms I know are milfs, because dammit, they are cool fucking broads even if I can’t quite get along with every single one of them (crafty mamas). Still, those searching for some “milf action” are finding their way to me. Damn google caching and my tendency for cheeky self-referencing (D’oh! There I went again)!

It’s okay, though, I’ll play. I actually do have your MILFs in action still happening in this blog. I’ve got milfs marching on Washington!

Wait, don’t click away! You’re somebody’s son, maybe somebody’s brother, or husband, or boyfriend, or lover. We need you. You can look up porn later. I’m not condemning you. I’m just asking that you take a few minutes to find a way to honor women, all women. Whether you love, resent, lust after or just want to steal underwear from them, please take a few minutes to sign a petition or find a way to tell them you support them as important individuals who breathe life into this fucked up world we are all spinning on together.

Then go look at porn all you want. Keep it kind, though, babycakes. I don’t want to wreck your boner but remember that the woman you are hoping to find is somebody’s daughter, and she deserves more care and respect than she is likely getting as internet eye candy. Just a thought.

Carry on.

Yeah, what he said

I lost this pin somewhere along the way. I miss it. All hail the interweb for the scanned image.

I am doing more dancing than writing, lately. Pulled out some old art, too, so the pin doesn’t really apply. Gonna work on some things and see what happens. I’ve got tons of notes on what I want to talk about so I’ll see you in a little while.

Mwuah!

Me me me, I I I, my my my

This blogging thing is mightily self indulgent. At least, my blog is. I’m not exactly trying to save the world here, but still, it is an odd feeling to look back over so many posts and see so much ME. When did this blogging thing become such a part of my life? Must be thanks to you nutty broads (and errant fellas) spurring me on with your own writing. I’m enjoying the hell out of you all, I really am.

I’ll let you be in my dream if I can be in yours (Bob said that).

Blogging is a lot like therapy

Not that I have ever stayed long in therapy; I find dealing with therapists way too annoying after the first couple of venting sessions. I pay to purge and get the hell outta dodge. 

Here I am blogging for a variety of reasons that are certainly not limited to self-reflection, and dammit, I am completely sick of myself. I have tons to say about tons of things but I am just too over myself right now to say it.

Meh, metacognition.

Clean up on aisle 7

Damn you, Unexplainable Need for Anonymous Public Expression!

I recently had to take a prior post down. Through an odd series of events borne out of my annoying insistence on trying to be “helpful” to people, I’ve been found out as the author of this humble blog, by someone who used to (sort of) know me. This is a person who looooves to be in the know about people, almost as much as she loooooves to tell other people all about what she knows, so I am fairly certain she is enjoying this moment immensely, as she calls everyone we both know to tell them this is me. Hi.

Like I said, I took down a post, because in it I described some characteristics of a thinly-veiled mutual aquaintance that could do some damage to said aquaintances’s life if her identity were to be correctly guessed. Shit. That was not my intention. 

I took down the post quite frantically at about 1am the other night after waking in a panic at the realization that I had basically sold someone out, even though it was done anonymously and as a way to think about my own life and certainly not to criticize or expose anyone else’s choices. The frantic de-blogging experience kinda took the air out of expressing my reflections on my relationships. Kinda takes the air out of any future posts of a similar nature, as well. An alias only works when it remains an alias, you dig? 

To tell you the truth, though, I wouldn’t mind one bit if my interweb tribe knew my actual name, as some of them may by now. It’s the people with whom I have a history that I would rather remain, well, hidden from, so I can work some things out without them being all, “Oh yeah, I think she is referring to so-and-so and her lowdown cheating ways, can you believe that so-and-so’s husband never even knew?” and craptastic things like that. That would be the complete opposite of what I am trying to do here. WordPress, you are a tricky mistress.

I only chose an alias so I could write about my acoa crapola, but now that I have been found out I am fighting the urge to go back and review all of my prior posts for further damning information. Mebbe going forward I will stick to safer topics, like politics, religion and abortion.

No, no. I will smite thee, Haunting Feeling of Incrimination.

So hey you. Yes you. You now know that I know that you know it’s me. I realize I am giving you loads of material here (she’s a writer, peeps). I’ll be on the lookout for you publishing things like ”anonymous blogging by neurotic feminist moms in urban america”, or whatever other story ideas you glean from being here. At least someone will be getting paid for my writing.

Love, B.

WTF?!?!?!?

Okay so I was thinking some more about this, and I did some asking around as well, and this sickening search term thing is a commonly known blogging issue (hey, I’m new). The commonality is very disturbing, but it is just one of the many paradoxes of the interweb.  So why am I still bugging about this? Because I was hoping that by blogging I was somehow contributing to the greater good, not the greater psychosis.

Perhaps I just need to broaden my definition of what I am comfortable being a diversion for. I guess in the end it is better that these searchers are finding their way to this blog rather than finding their way to what they are really looking for.  May they never find it.

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Why did someone find their way to me while searching for a “man rapes daughter video”?!!? Most importantly, why does such a video exist and why is it being sought?

I am not sure why, but this sort of thing makes me want to stop blogging. I know that I have personally benefited from writing here as kind of a public confessional thing, by using this space as a way to say here is me and I am cool with who I am (even though I blog anonymously- heh).  I greatly appreciate the community I have found online. Even more than that, I know that it is a good thing to be one more voice calling attention to issues that women mothers people face as they try to live in a way that is decent and free. I just can’t help but feel violated every time I look at my blog’s search terms and see disturbing combinations that are used to end up at bianca bean. I can handle (most of) the milf/cunt/beaver stuff; hell, I even encourage it. It’s good for those seekers to end up at a feminist blog. 

I’m just sickened right now. This person has now read about my life. Whether s/he stayed for a moment or really took a long look around, right now I am feeling like I am covered in scum that I can’t shake off. I did try to cover the part of the stats page that shows me the search terms. It didn’t work out that well, they are just, well, there as you scroll down to look at the other stuff. I guess I need to decide if it is worth it to me.

Am I operating in victim-mode, or do all bloggers using terms that are germane to the feminist dialogue feel like they are experiencing the virtual version of being ogled on the street by a wayward misogynist every time someone ends up at their site while searching for bad fucked up things?

So naive, I am so naive!

Searching for something?

To those of you who are finding your way to bianca bean via charming search terms such as “milfs in action”, I give you this:

This, lovely dear, is a 100% genuine milf in action. It is the hotness, I know. Just ask my husband.

I must admit, I was initially alarmed when I saw the search terms that were leading some people to me thanks to my prior “all the moms I know are milfs” post, but I am now embracing it, just as I have embraced the term milf. I receive and use this acronym as the highest compliment, much as my dear friends, the Beavers, do our beavery. The word cunt is also now flattery of the highest form, with beaucoup props to Eve Ensler for her monologues, of course. Even before her marvelous interpretation of the “c word”, however, who wouldn’t have wanted to be considered warm, enveloping, coveted, and mysterious, with all the beauty of some strange hothouse flower? (yay for interpretations by Virginia Georgia O’Keefe; I once gave an anatomy lesson to my gay boyfriends via a print by her. They were dumbfounded.)

So, if you are utilizing search terms including milf, cunt, or beaver, and have unexpected found yourself here with me, if I have perhaps derailed you from an otherwise undignified hunt, I have just one thing to say: you’re welcome.

Much love, B.

I, love, commas,

andIalsowritetoofast. So I wonder, when I publish what I intend to be my “final” post, and then go back and fix the quirks that I never notice until AFTER doing so, does that make the people who read my feed crazy? Does it repost an old post as a new post or an update if I fix my errors and re-publish? If so, I am genuinely sorry. I love you.